Love
Love, where do I begin? Do I believe in love? Will it ever find me? When do you know if you truly love someone?
Those are questions that I always wonder.
I do believe in love to some degree. I love chocolate, my mom, my dog and the smell of laundry detergent. But the love between two people, aside from friends and family, confuses me. I don't understand how you can love someone after knowing them a few weeks. I don't understand how you can fall out of love with someone. The whole concept is mind boggling.
I believe that I jumped into love too early and I think that might have contributed to the downfall that has happened lately in my relationship. I felt like I had to jump into things quickly because I was with someone that was older than me and, to me, I thought that that is what he expected of me. I regret it every single day. I feel like I threw myself away just for a moment of happiness.
We have had some good times, but to me the bad times out weigh the good. I want to forget about everything that has happened in our past, good and bad, and start over fresh. Do things right this time. I feel like if we both agree to start over then it just might work out this time. Honestly, anything is better than how things are now. We've been trying for two years to fix things and I get so frustrated when he says he's sorry and that we can keep trying to fix things, when nothing has changed and he still does the same things. Ugh. Some might say to end the relationship and move on, but deep down inside me there's still hope.
I am 50/50 on this whole relationship. Half the time I can't see myself without him, and the other half I can't stand him and everything about him irritates me. I know that sounds mean, but the truth hurts. I don't know if it's because this is my first serious relationship and I'm scared to be alone and lonely again, or if I honestly don't want to be with him anymore. I'm an indecisive person and this is one of the hardest decisions I've had to make, because no matter what I choose I feel like someone is going to be unhappy.
Throughout this relationship I've realized that I can't keep begging someone to change -begging them to be the person that I want. It really breaks my heart, to know that the person that I've spent 2 years of my life might not be the right person for me.
Only time will tell what will happen, and I am a very inpatient person. At times I feel like I love this person and at other times I feel like I don't. Maybe it was just an infatuation and I'm growing to know what I look for in the person that will 'complete me'. Deep down there's still hope, but deep down there's also reality.
Those are questions that I always wonder.
I do believe in love to some degree. I love chocolate, my mom, my dog and the smell of laundry detergent. But the love between two people, aside from friends and family, confuses me. I don't understand how you can love someone after knowing them a few weeks. I don't understand how you can fall out of love with someone. The whole concept is mind boggling.
I believe that I jumped into love too early and I think that might have contributed to the downfall that has happened lately in my relationship. I felt like I had to jump into things quickly because I was with someone that was older than me and, to me, I thought that that is what he expected of me. I regret it every single day. I feel like I threw myself away just for a moment of happiness.
We have had some good times, but to me the bad times out weigh the good. I want to forget about everything that has happened in our past, good and bad, and start over fresh. Do things right this time. I feel like if we both agree to start over then it just might work out this time. Honestly, anything is better than how things are now. We've been trying for two years to fix things and I get so frustrated when he says he's sorry and that we can keep trying to fix things, when nothing has changed and he still does the same things. Ugh. Some might say to end the relationship and move on, but deep down inside me there's still hope.
I am 50/50 on this whole relationship. Half the time I can't see myself without him, and the other half I can't stand him and everything about him irritates me. I know that sounds mean, but the truth hurts. I don't know if it's because this is my first serious relationship and I'm scared to be alone and lonely again, or if I honestly don't want to be with him anymore. I'm an indecisive person and this is one of the hardest decisions I've had to make, because no matter what I choose I feel like someone is going to be unhappy.
Throughout this relationship I've realized that I can't keep begging someone to change -begging them to be the person that I want. It really breaks my heart, to know that the person that I've spent 2 years of my life might not be the right person for me.
Only time will tell what will happen, and I am a very inpatient person. At times I feel like I love this person and at other times I feel like I don't. Maybe it was just an infatuation and I'm growing to know what I look for in the person that will 'complete me'. Deep down there's still hope, but deep down there's also reality.
Thanks for the follow and posting this on your blog.
ReplyDeleteI felt I had to comment on this post because I to was with someone older, ended up marrying him, had 3 kids and it was a disaster from the start to the end. I was young, thought I was in love, he was controlling, unfaithful, disrespectful, verbally abusive sometimes, slowly picking away at my self esteem. I thought I could change him but eventually I became resentful, bitter and felt nothing but hate for him (8 yrs later); this is when I decided to leave and divorce him. At first it was for the kids sake because I thought they deserved a better environment and the farther I was down the road from the breakup, the more i realized I deserved better too. It was a nasty divorce, he was even worse when it came to dealings with the kids and trying to co-parent has been nearly impossible but no matter all the struggles with co-parenting/joint custody I do it for the kids and I think it's still the right thing. He moved on almost right away and had his girlfriend move in with him which was very confusing to our kids but then some people have a hard time being alone. I felt it was hard for me; I was lonely at times. I dated but nobody felt right to make a long term relationship with until 2007 when I reconnected with my now husband(we were best friends in high school, he moved away, lost touch, found each other again and voila). We now have a daughter together. He is completely opposite my ex; we compliment each others personalities so well. I really found out what I had allowed myself to be treated like.
Only you will know if your relationship is worthwhile. You can't change anyone; they can only change themselves and take it from me, sometimes people have no intention to change no matter what the cost. If you have invested 2 years into this relationship maybe you should seek some couples therapy to see if you can work through your problems or to see if you really have feelings for this person anymore or if it's already too late. I sought marriage therapy before leaving but it was already to late. I realized this because my therapist said to me...if you have lost faith in the relationship or lost faith that what he says is true (in reference to changing or trying to as he said in therapy), then it's already over. The instant she said this to me, I knew it was over and took the steps to move on.
Good luck with everything; things get better the farther you are away from the breakup. So corny but time does heal.
Thank you! He's not controlling or abusive or anything. I think it's the fact that we see things SO differently and sometimes that causes conflicts between us. I have good news! We are getting better and I'm going to counseling at my college and I share everything me and my counselor talk about with him, and there has been an improvement, but only time will tell! Thanks again. :)
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