Love: The Sequel

9 years. 

9 years.

It's been that long and I am making another post about the same topic- love. As I reread what I wrote years ago I am terrified because what I wrote about has repeated. I am in the process of recovering from a relationship that ended because we ultimately weren't what each other needed, wanted, hoped for. 

Over the years I was numb. I didn't realize how my toxic childhood molded me to be a fearful, anxiety ridden young adult. I don't know if I thought that was the norm or I was used to living in "survival mode" for so long. 

I think of my anxiety and childhood trauma as dirty dishes in a sink. For so many years, I put more and more towels over the dishes to make them invisible. It wasn't hard to live life if you ignore the things holding you back. 

All of that changed when I met him. He held my hand and truly helped me start the process of uncovering my dishes- piece, by piece. He was my rock. My beacon of love and hope. I will never forget that. With his support, I was able to overcome what was fogging my mind and soul for so long. I was able to process my childhood. I learned WHY I have anxiety. I was able to begin the path of understanding grief from my moms passing. All of these things were making me a better, well-rounded person. I have him to thank for that. 

As this process started and I began to relearn life, I don't think I was ready for it, or my mind was in shock that I actually had these issues for so long. As time went by, I became stronger when it came to understanding myself, but I became weaker in our relationship. 

I wasn't able to see his needs and wants without constant reminders. I truly wanted to be the best partner for him, but I wasn't. Meeting his needs required constant emotional effort that I, unfortunately, did not have to give. I spend all my energy on work, life, processing, therapy... that when it came to my partner I was running on fumes. I write this and know it is terrible. However, I really did try. 

I tried. 

I wanted to make him feel loved and appreciated but I just didn't know how. How do you love someone? How to you selflessly love someone? I don't have an answer to that and have added it on my life list of things I want to work on and understand. 

I feel an immense amount of pain that I couldn't give him what he needed and that we couldn't have a future together. All our future thoughts, ideas, plans... all of that is lost like a dusty old toy. It hurts. It hurts having your security, rock, love be taken away leaving a hole in front of you. 

For so many years, I would latch on to people and I relied on them to live life. I needed them to be my safety. My support. My family. My friend. My lover. My everything. I've learned throughout the years that this isn't healthy. It ultimately puts my happiness in someone else's hands. That's not fair to me and it's not fair to them. No one should be responsible for two people's lives. 

There wasn't one instance that happened during the four years that caused the chapter to close. It was a pattern of events that opened our eyes to the fact that we can't give each other what we wanted and needed. I couldn't give him a spontaneous and adventurous partner that had him as their top priority all of the time. He couldn't give me consistency and the feeling of being a priority in his life.

This relationship ended on mutual terms. We both grew throughout the years. However, we did not grow together. We became stronger as individuals but not as a couple. There was no hate at the end. It was quite beautiful. We reminisced on our past together. We laughed. We cried. We held hands. We thanked each other. The last weekend was one of the saddest and most love filled two days I have ever experienced. 

Going forward there is a lot of uncertainty and fear- as if life. I am learning to take this new chapter with full force as I truly learn to be an independent woman. It will be hard. I will cry. I will feel alone at times. I need to feel all of these emotions in order to take a lesson from them and grow. As for my lost rock, he will succeed. He is a strong, independent man who has great things coming his way. I hope he takes time to process our relationship for what it was. It really was a roller coaster. A wild ride. 

N&A: The end